Dealing with cult members: some beneficial by-products

Some of the warnings I have been giving about what to expect when dealing with cult members and cult-like organisations apply to and can be useful for dealing with other, often very different, people and organisations.

There may not be a cult in the case, but some people speak and behave in similar ways to cult members.

For example, I have recently encountered some very familiar elements while engaged in a war with my local council:

Lying and hypocrisy, cover stories, tricking people, treating people as if they were theirs to command, denying allegations, dismissing complaints, ignoring people’s views and points they make, inviting people to meetings under false pretences, harassing people, talking like script-ridden robots, leaving people stranded ... I have seen it all before: same game, different players!

It was devastating the first time around, but the work I did afterwards has definitely helped me to cope better with the current, potentially devastating, situation.

Understanding what I am up against and knowing what to expect has helped me to stay on top of things and even get ahead of the game.

Dealing with cult members: yet more warnings

More crucially important points to bear in mind:

- Spend enough time with cult members and they may come to think of you as one of them, behave as if you are theirs to command and expect you to abide by their rules. They may even try to stop or punish you if you speak or behave in ways that they find unacceptable.

- You may become public enemy no.1 if you are seen as a threat or start to confront them.

Being lied to and left stranded, both literally and metaphorically, is bad enough; being let down and betrayed when a favour is needed and being dropped and avoided by someone you thought was a friend is even worse. Worse still is being turned against and attacked by cult members because they consider you insubordinate or a criminal, traitor and enemy - and this only because you are standing up for the truth and speaking out against evil.

Dealing with cult members: some more warnings

Some crucially important points to keep in mind when befriending cult members:

-Their friendship is conditional and may end at any time

-Everything you have done for them may count for nothing if you break any of their rules

-They may let you down and not return favours

-They may cut off contact and turn against or avoid you for what at first might seem incomprehensible or trivial reasons

Once again I learned this from personal experience, and once again I later found that many other people have had similar experiences.

Conditional friendship

You may think that you have a good relationship with a cult member, but there are several factors that could cause it to not be the kind of relationship that you thought it was. There is a good chance that it will come to an abrupt end too.

The members may be hoping for financial or other support, and they will cool off or even drop you when this is not forthcoming or you are unwilling or unable to provide any more. They may be hoping to convert you, and will disappear when they realise that you are not going to join them.

Dealing with cult members: some warnings

There are some crucially important points to keep in mind when dealing with cult members. Here are two of these points:

- They will lie to you
- They will let you down and leave you stranded

I learned this from personal experience, experience for which I later found independent confirmation online and in books.

Lying
Not only do cult members conceal much of the truth about their organisation, they will also often lie about it, brazenly and repeatedly.

I am not talking here about people on the periphery who don’t know anything so pass on wrong information in all good faith, nor am I talking about members who are so confused and in such a terrible state that they no longer know the difference between truth and lies: I am talking about people who lie knowingly and deliberately.

They will lie about their beliefs and practices and procedures inside the organisation, denying for example that members are obliged to hand over their earnings and take part in auditing sessions where they are forced to give sensitive personal information and confess to misdeeds. 

They will dismiss allegations made against the cult, saying that they come from liars, enemies and traitors. 

They will brazenly lie about where donated money is going, saying for example that it will help children when much of it really goes to buy support from politicians and pay the travelling expenses of a rent-a-crowd mob.

They will lie about the purpose of an impending gathering, saying for example that it is entertainment when it is really political.

Leaving a cult - much easier said than done

“Why don’t they just leave when they find out what they have got into?”

It is much easier to ask why people don’t just leave when they learn what happens behind the scenes in a cult or cult-like organisation than it is to find acceptable and comprehensible answers. It is not easy for outsiders to understand the external pressures and techniques and internal thought processes that keep people inside.

The best sources of answers and explanations are ex-members. They are the ones with the excruciatingly painful personal experience of cult life, and some of them may be able to explain what was going on in their minds and in their lives in terms that ‘civilians’ can understand.

The deeper in that people go, the worse life often gets but the harder it is for them to get out. I am not talking about people on the fringes and in the outer circles who may wander in then drift away or drop out: I am talking about long-term, hard-core members.

I am also mainly talking about people who might think about leaving, not those few who genuinely feel at home in their organisation or the large number of unfortunates who have lost all sense of self and self-preservation.

People are discouraged and prevented from leaving

The message given, overtly or covertly, to many cult members is, “Don’t you dare leave, you traitor. It will be much the worse for you if you do!”

Cults make it difficult for members to leave in as many practical, guilt and fear-based and emotional blackmailing ways as possible. They use manipulation,  intimidation and coercion to keep dissenting members in line.

Karmic retribution and sugar in the tea

A very minor incident has provided the material for an article about how the punishment sometimes fits the crime.

I visited some people a few days ago and was offered tea. When asked if I wanted any sugar in it, for some strange reason I said I would have a small spoonful. I don’t know what came over me to make me say that: I never ever take sugar with tea as I think it ruins the taste. I drank it without much enjoyment.

When something unpleasant happens, I have learned to work backwards to find the cause. There is almost always some connection between the incident and one of the items on my checklist. For example, it could be that I had been in the company of an energy vampire or had a horrible jarring shock.

It is worth making similar checks if I make a mistake or act out of character, even in very minor matters. In all cases, one possibility to consider is that I am getting back what I sent out and the chickens are coming home to roost.

By coincidence, two days earlier someone had visited me and asked for a little sugar in his tea. We were talking a lot about databases and work and I forgot to put any in; he didn’t say anything and I only realised my mistake a few hours after he had gone!

It may be a relevant factor that my resistance is very low at the moment. Not only does a tiny task seem like a huge project and a small setback like a big disaster, but a minor mistake also seems like a major crime and I feel guilty as hell. When I suddenly remembered that he had asked for sugar, my automatic reaction was, “Oh no, how awful of me to forget!”

Even in the case of very trivial incidents, it is always worth trying to find a possible cause.

Perhaps I transmitted some signal and it was picked up and interpreted as a desire to be punished for my crime! In other words, it was my reaction to what I did - or rather forgot to do - and not the crime itself that triggered the fitting punishment.

Connecting cause and effect is one thing; trying to understand the mechanics behind it all is something else.

Playing the fairy godmother game again

A recent minor incident in my life has provided some material for a small addition to a previous article.

Someone I did some work for many years ago got in touch out of the blue because he had a database-related assignment and wanted me for the job. I told him that although I no longer do that sort of work, I would mention the assignment to a colleague with the relevant background and experience.

This colleague had left his job a while back to set up a very different kind of business of his own, but he told me that if some suitable short-term freelance work came along he might be interested. He said that he wanted to keep his hand in and stay in touch with the sector, and the money would be useful too.

I put them in touch with each other, and they have come to an arrangement. They get on very well too. My friend has had some bad experiences with incompetent and unpleasant management in the past, which is why he left to work for himself. He is very happy with the people he will be working for, and says that it was obviously my recommendation that got him the work.

So I gave both sides something that they had been wishing for. They got it on a plate.

This is no big deal; finding suitable people and work via informal networks happens all the time. There are a few features that make it worth mentioning on here though. 

Some of the people in my family poisoned everything they touched. They brought misfortunes and bad luck to many of the people around them too. It is still a great relief when something happens to show that I have not only broken the evil spell but reversed it and am in general an influence for good.

After visiting the office, my colleague told me that even if he was not offered the work, he would still have met new people in the sector and had interview practice. He would be happy to just have that. This is another example of someone who attracted more by expressing gratitude and appreciation for what he already had. Not only that, but I like to feel that I am moving in what I see as the right circles i.e. with positive people.

The other point of interest is that I had been wishing and wishing that I could find a suitable project for someone else. He has been having a bad time, and a good assignment would solve many problems. So maybe the good wishes went slightly astray and affected a different person.  In the past, I have only ever seen this happen with what might be called cursing or ill-wishing.

So my first big wish for 2018 is that something good will come along for this other man.