Cults and the cutting of personal connections: Part IV

As mentioned in Part III, the cutting of personal connections between cult members and non-members works both ways: it is not always the members who do the dropping.  

This breaking of bonds can cause problems and dilemmas no matter which side does it. This article covers a few more aspects of this painful subject.

Problems on the cult side
The most obvious problem here is that cult members who are forbidden from associating with their families and friends will not be able to get financial or other forms of support for the cause or movement from them.

One way round this is for the cult to arrange supervised phone calls or meetings. Selected members are told what to say and ask for, and another member listens in or is present to ensure that they follow instructions and stick to the script. This may work, at least for a while, if the family wants contact on any terms.

A compromise solution is to apply the strictest rules and the tightest controls only to hard-core members, the upper levels or the inner circle, with less-dedicated members, supporters and other 'inferiors' free to associate with anyone they want to.

Public relations are another problem. I used to wonder why a particular cult-like organisation would order many of its senior members to stop seeing their families when this would entail making enemies out of former friends, give ammunition to opponents and result in bad publicity that might alienate potential supporters and damage the cause. 

One tactic cults use here is denial. They may insist for example that it isn't true that members are forced to cut all outside relationships. Such blatant lying may work for a while – I fell for some of it myself in the early days – but people now have access to social media, defectors' stories and the Internet so are more educated and less likely to be fooled.

Cults and the cutting of personal connections: Part III

The previous article gives examples of members of cult-like organisations who were ordered to cut their personal connections so that they could dedicate themselves to the cause. There is another angle to broken relationships between members and non-members: sometimes it is the non-members who cut the ties. They may feel that enough is enough when it comes to being treated badly; they may do it to protect themselves. 

From another old post of mine:

“There is another side to this. It could be that it is the family and friends who do the avoiding – or dropping. They may come to hate the pressure to accept the ideology, the recruitment attempts, the lectures and the preaching; they may get tired of being pestered for money while at the same time being told how inferior they are. There may be nothing in in for them.”

They may also not appreciate being frequently stood up or let down by unreliable people: cult members are not their own bosses and are often given errands or sent away somewhere with little notice. 

Someone who has been involved with a cult member may come to understand that they have been cheated, lied to and made a fool of: misrepresentation is common cult practice.

They may feel resentful when they realise that they have been exploited and angry when they discover that they have been tricked and used. For example, they may have been invited somewhere under false pretences just to get the numbers up and make it look as though there are many supporters. 

The cult members know very well that people wouldn't go if they knew the true purpose of and ulterior motive behind an invitation, so they bait the hook with something attractive.

I remember an occasion when people were lured to a venue by the prospect of hearing good music; they got political speeches instead! Some of them got up and walked out in disgust.  

Just as some members decide to leave a cult after a last straw moment, some people decide to stop seeing their member friends after experiencing the final straw. 

Cults and the cutting of personal connections: Part II

The previous article described in general terms the cutting of personal connections by cult members. 

This specific example, which speaks for itself, comes from an ex-member of a religious cult:

“When my sister got married I was not allowed to go to the wedding. My biological family did not matter anymore; it was all merged into a greater unity. Secretly I thought it was terrible not to be able to attend the wedding. I found out later that my sister had also been deeply wounded by my absence.

It was even worse when my grandmother died. On her deathbed, she had specially asked for me. But Lella, who was  to bring me there, delayed everything so long that, when we eventually reached the hospital, my grandmother had already passed away. Other family members had been there on time—only I was too late. I felt an intense anger and pain inside. But I immediately knew to put a smile on my face, because my feelings did not matter. I knew that, didn’t I?”

https://web.archive.org/web/20200618084714/https://www.icsahome.com/articles/i-really-believed-that-this-way-of-living-was-right-goudsmit-it-2-3

'Lella' obviously delayed everything deliberately. Subtle sabotage and undermining are common practices in cults.

I said this on the old forum:

“It is a very sad subject. The members who cut connections with their families might have a terrible awakening one day when they realise how much suffering they have caused and that it was all for nothing.”

I might add that it is just as excruciatingly painful when they realise how much of the suffering that they have endured was all for nothing.

Cults and the cutting of personal connections: Part I

Another member of the old Conservative Conspiracy Forum highlighted a feature that is often found in cults when she said this: 

“Personal loyalty and love must be sacrificed for 'the cause'.”

This is very true. Such sacrifices are standard practice in many sinister organisations. 

The article about the inversion of values in cult members contains some examples of people ignoring their personal responsibilities in favour of working for the cause; it is even worse when cult members cut their personal connections altogether. I have seen some examples and been on the receiving end of this myself. Many more examples can be found online, including admissions from ex-members. 

This article contains more recycled material from my posts on the old forum.

Why do cult members cut off contact with family and friends?
“So why would a cult member cut all contact with you? There are several possible reasons. We know that a non-member might be dropped for rocking the boat by saying the wrong thing, criticising the organisation, the lifestyle or the leader or asking awkward questions. This is unforgivable in their eyes.”

This applies to individuals who question various aspects of the organisation rather than a member's entire network of connections; it is what happened to me when I asked about some disturbing information I had read.

“They may be telling you indirectly that they have better, higher, more important things to do than socialise with an unbeliever. 

Dealing with cult members: some more warnings

Some crucially important points to keep in mind when befriending cult members:

-Their friendship is conditional and may end at any time

-Everything you have done for them may count for nothing if you break any of their rules

-They may let you down and not return favours

-They may cut off contact and turn against or avoid you for what at first might seem incomprehensible or trivial reasons

Once again I learned this from personal experience, and once again I later found that many other people have had similar experiences.

Conditional friendship

You may think that you have a good relationship with a cult member, but there are several factors that could cause it to not be the kind of relationship that you thought it was. There is a good chance that it will come to an abrupt end too.

The members may be hoping for financial or other support, and they will cool off or even drop you when this is not forthcoming or you are unwilling or unable to provide any more. They may be hoping to convert you, and will disappear when they realise that you are not going to join them.

Leaving a cult - much easier said than done

“Why don’t they just leave when they find out what they have got into?”

It is much easier to ask why people don’t just leave when they learn what happens behind the scenes in a cult or cult-like organisation than it is to find acceptable and comprehensible answers. It is not easy for outsiders to understand the external pressures and techniques and internal thought processes that keep people inside.

The best sources of answers and explanations are ex-members. They are the ones with the excruciatingly painful personal experience of cult life, and some of them may be able to explain what was going on in their minds and in their lives in terms that ‘civilians’ can understand.

The deeper in that people go, the worse life often gets but the harder it is for them to get out. I am not talking about people on the fringes and in the outer circles who may wander in then drift away or drop out: I am talking about long-term, hard-core members.

I am also mainly talking about people who might think about leaving, not those few who genuinely feel at home in their organisation or the large number of unfortunates who have lost all sense of self and self-preservation.

People are discouraged and prevented from leaving

The message given, overtly or covertly, to many cult members is, “Don’t you dare leave, you traitor. It will be much the worse for you if you do!”

Cults make it difficult for members to leave in as many practical, guilt and fear-based and emotional blackmailing ways as possible. They use manipulation,  intimidation and coercion to keep dissenting members in line.