A few books with a Christmas theme have inspired posts in the past.
I wanted to produce something similar for this year; I remembered that the seventh book in Anthony Horowitz’s Diamond Brothers series is called The Greek Who Stole Christmas so I decided to renew my acquaintance with these very amusing little stories.
I found enough suitable material for another seasonal article.
Christmas is not a good time of year for Nick the clever boy detective and his big – and dim - brother Herbert, who prefers to be known as Tim, as they are always very short of money and are often in danger from their enemies.
The action in The Falcon's Malteser, which is the first book in the series, takes place during the holiday season. These words from Nick Diamond set the tone:
“...the grey December sky. The Christmas decorations had gone up in Regent Street – it seemed that they’d been up since July – and the stores were wrapped in tinsel and holly. Somewhere, a Salvation Army band was playing “Away in a Manger.” I felt a funeral march would have been more appropriate.“
Things get worse: Tim and Nick are arrested by the police and held in a freezing cold interrogation room. They are released, only to be rearrested and held overnight in a cell in the police station.
The police decide to let Nick go; he rises to the occasion with a typical witty remark:
“You can go, laddy,” Snape said. “It’s only big brother we want.”
“How long are you going to keep him for?” I asked. “It’s only five days to Christmas.”
“So?”
“He hasn’t had time to buy my present yet.”
With five days still to go, Nick admits to being depressed. Having to visit the worst possible place at the worst possible time a few days later makes him feel even worse:
“I don’t like Oxford Street on the best of days - and let me tell you now, December 24th isn’t one of them. Bond Street Station had been doing a good impersonation of the Black Hole of Calcutta and Lauren and I were glad to get out. But there was little relief outside.
The Christmas rush-had turned into the Christmas panic and the season seemed to have run pretty short of good will. Taxi drivers blasted their horns. Bus drivers leant out of their windows and swore. You couldn’t blame them. The traffic probably hadn’t moved since December 22nd. There were so many people clawing their way along the pavement that you couldn’t see the cracks. And everyone was carrying bulging bags. Of food, of decorations, of last-minute presents.“
This description of last-minute panic shopping in London's Oxford Street is horrific but very realistic!
Nick has this to say after the big days are behind him:
“It was the second day of the New Year. It didn’t feel much different to the old year. It was cold. There wasn’t any gas in the flat. And, as usual, we were down to the last handful of change. We’d had a great Christmas, Herbert and me. Two frozen turkey croquettes and the Queen’s speech-only we’d missed the Queen’s speech.”
This is very sad, but The Falcon's Malteser ends on a high note: the hard-up Diamond Brothers receive a belated and unexpected present that turns out to be very valuable indeed.
The Diamond Brothers typically spend the money they get as fees for their services as soon as they get it, so there are no surprises in Nick's report at the start of The Blurred Man:
“Right now it was the week of half-term - six weeks before Christmas, and once again it didn’t look like our stockings were going to be full. Unless you’re talking holes. Tim had just seven pence left in his bank account. We’d written a begging letter to our mum and dad in Australia but were still saving up for the stamp.“
Having no money with Christmas on the horizon isn't funny, but Nick still manages to make it sound amusing!
Many people will have received a present that they didn't like or want and passed it on; the Diamond Brothers are no exception:
“Finally he dragged a leather attaché case out of a cupboard. Actually, it wasn’t leather — it was kangaroo skin; an unwanted Christmas present. Mum had given it to Tim. Tim had given it to me. I’d given it to Oxfam. They’d given it back. You can’t get much more unwanted than that.”
From South By South East
Oxfam charity shops do indeed do very well for donations at the end of the holiday season!
As the story starts, Christmas is not far away and, as usual, the Diamond Brothers are broke.
Their affairs improve when Tim is retained to protect a glamorous international celebrity called Minerva, a pop princess and film star of Greek origin, who is receiving death threats on the occasion of her visit to London to switch on the Christmas lights and open the Santa Claus grotto in Harrods.
Although he is delighted that Tim is going to bring in some money, Nick has doubts about his big brother's suitability for the job:
“Well, one thing was certain: this was going to be a Christmas to remember. I just wondered if Minerva would still be around to see in the New Year. “
As always with these stories, the preposterous elements are balanced by some very realistic material.
Nick says this about the famous Christmas lights:
“Everyone makes a fuss about the Christmas lights on Regent Street and maybe there was a time when they were actually worth travelling in to see. I remember when I was small, my mum would take me into town and the lights would flicker and flash and sparkle and people would cross the road with their necks craned, staring at them in wonderment, and they wouldn’t even complain when they were run over by the 139 bus.“
I have been up and down Regent Street on the 139 bus many times; on some occasions it was even to see the Christmas lights.
As usual, it is Nick who solves the case and Tim who gets the credit – and the money.
Minerva's manager is very grateful that they have both saved Minerva's life and furthered her career by getting her a lot of publicity in the process:
“...as a token of his gratitude, he’d decided to send us a cheque for ten thousand pounds. I’ll never forget the sight of Tim holding it between his hands. The last time he had seen that many zeros, it had been in his school report.
We talked a lot about what to do with the money. Of course, we were going to have a proper Christmas lunch. Tim was going to pay off the rent. I was finally going to get a new school uniform – the last one had so many patches in it, it was more patches than uniform. But that would still leave us with several thousand pounds, which was just about the most money we’d ever had.”
It is good to be able end on such a high point!
