Ayn Rand: some more thoughts about her life

Barbara Branden’s biography The Passion of Ayn Rand is inspiring a whole series of articles. It is uncanny how so many aspects of her life resemble mine.

Some more similarities

Ayn Rand loved light classical music and operettas; so do I. When she first encountered them, they provided a magical form of temporary escape from a life of squalour, poverty, fear, pain and humiliation; this was my experience too. She would queue for hours in freezing weather to get the cheapest tickets, walking miles to save her fare money; I did exactly the same.

Ayn Rand pinned all her hopes for the future, for escape from a life of blank nothingness, for freedom, for any kind of life, on one thing: moving to the USA; I did the same with the profession of computing. She knew that she just had to go there; I knew that too.  The terrible suspense, the hopes, fears and disappointments and uncertainty that she had to live through before she finally got what she wanted are very familiar; I endured all that too.

She felt at home in New York as she loved the city lights, the city streets, the buildings and the big city atmosphere; I feel exactly the same about city life, as opposed to the suburbs and the countryside. Just knowing that it is all there, just outside the window, really does give fuel to the spirit.

While her mental energy was limitless, she always struggled with the problem of low physical energy; I have the same problem. She once worked continuously for 30 hours with no sleep; I used to do that all the time.

Ayn Rand almost never drank alcohol, disliking both the taste and the effect; I am the same. She disapproved strongly of the drug culture; it didn’t make sense to damage or destroy one’s most precious attribute, the clarity and precision of one’s rational mind; I share her views. She was a heavy smoker though; I have always been a non-smoker.

She had a few lessons, but was unable to learn how to drive a car; I have never even wanted to learn.

The walking on air sensation

The young Ayn Rand was finally awarded the desperately wished for visa to visit the USA. She says that she left the consulate with the feeling that nothing bad could ever happen to her again. She felt that her feet were not touching the ground; it was like flying; it was one of the most wonderful moments in her life.

Years later, after earning $50,000 in one day after signing a Hollywood contract, she had the same feeling of walking on air.

I have described how both Stella Gibbons and Elizabeth Taylor’s Angel experienced the walking on air phenomenon, and I too know the feeling very well.  

It is partly relief at escaping from an unbearable situation and partly euphoria at getting into or obtaining something we have always wanted. We have got away; we have got the thing that we could not live without; we have been recognised; everything has come right at last and we will never suffer again.

If only we knew!

The feeling of betrayal

When someone said or did something that disappointed or disillusioned Ayn Rand, she felt an emotional reaction similar to an elevator crashing down; I know exactly what this feels like. However, it is important to take responsibility and accept that rather than feel that someone has let us down, we should blame ourselves for being a bad judge of character or indulging in wishful thinking.

Feeling grateful and appreciating what one has

It is a point in Ayn Rand’s favour that she did feel gratitude for unasked-for help and small favours and did not take them for granted as her due. She also appreciated the luxuries that she could afford once she became successful, all the more because she felt that she had earned them. She said, “The only advantage to poverty is that if you can get out of it, the contrast is wonderful.” I agree with that.

I have learned the importance of expressing gratitude and appreciation for everything good received, no matter how small.

All or nothing and never forgetting

Ayn Rand, rather like Elizabeth Taylor’s Angel when she had the opportunities to visit the big house, was an all-or-nothing, black or white, person in some areas of life. 

If she couldn’t look perfect, like someone in a fashion magazine, when made up and wearing smart clothes, she wouldn’t bother with her appearance at all. If she couldn't have the enormous formal wedding with the traditional white dress and veil that she had always envisaged, she would get married in total privacy with no real celebration.

She said, “My attitude always toward reviews and compliments…was that I expect superlatives or nothing, and I wanted raves that raved about the right thing.” 

This attitude applied to a few people in her life too. She wanted a hero or nothing. She never forgot a young man called Leo, with whom she became obsessed when he paid her some attention. He seemed the embodiment of her ideals, in appearance and personality. He was everything to her; other young men she knew were nothing. She said, “Leo was… the only human being who mattered to me in a personal way.”

It was a consuming and lasting passion. Unfortunately, he cooled off, leaving her with constant, overwhelming, inner pain and longing. I have had experience of something similar; I too used to go to gatherings of people only in the hope of seeing someone or at least getting information about him. It was all nothing if he wasn’t there.

Ayn Rand was very loyal to Leo’s memory. Decades later she was still wistful about what might have been, even though she knew that if she had married him and stayed in Russia, she would probably have died with him.

I too am still an all-or-nothing person in a few areas of life, although I have learned to compromise and adjust my ideas to fit reality. It is very important to know when to be uncompromising, when to approach one’s goals by degrees and when to give it all up and settle for what we have now, accepting that this is as good as it gets.

I too never forget.

The dangers of living in other worlds and the future

Ayn Rand said of her early life: “It was something to get over with; life begins in the future…concrete reality doesn’t matter.”

Relying on one’s interior world and dreams of the future to help get through life may for some people be as normal and natural as breathing. It is what certain people do automatically when there is no nourishment or fulfillment in the present and they are fundamentally alienated from the material world, where they feel neither safe nor at ease.

Living the provisional life, living entirely in the future and/or the inner world can be very dangerous. People may not know when to stop moving and start participating; they may not be able to reach a state of contentment where they have enough; they may not develop the ability to live in, feel at home in and deal with the real world.

When everything she had dreamed of came to Ayn Rand, it may have been too late. Years of alienation and living in the future may have made her unable to live in the present and completely enjoy the fruits of her success. People said they never saw her fully enjoy an activity in the here and now. She was always thinking of moving onwards and upwards.

I felt like that for much of my life, but have been able to partially overcome it and sometimes enjoy being in the real world, in the present.